SopooooooOOO

tired.

Based on Actual Events

First Baby:
8:30pm, Baby crying
Me (crying): She can't possibly be hungry, she's fed every two hours all day!
Steve: Fine, so she's not hungry, she's just going to have to cry!
Me (wailing): But what if I'm wrong? What if she IS hungry? Here is her feeding chart - she fed at 4:07, 5:12, 7:02... it's CLOSE to two hours...
Steve: Then feed her!
Me: WHY can't she wait four hours like other babies?! What if I feed her and she wakes up every hour all night because I fed her.
Steve: is that what happens?
Me: No... but it might. What if she's got some horrible disease and she's trying to let us know but I just keep feeding her to shut her up?
Steve: If you want to wait, then we have to let her cry.
Me: Give me my baby! I'll feed her!!! I'll feed her!!

Second Baby:
8:30pm, Baby wailing like a siren
Me (rolling eyes): Think he's hungry?
Steve (tickling baby even though he's crying): I dunno, is it time for him to be hungry?
Me: I dunno.
Steve: Want me to wrap him?
Me: Maybe. Naw, I'll just feed him.

Third Baby: (last night)
8:30pm Baby making semi-fussy noises
Me: Let's put him on the boob so we can watch "Better off Ted"

Is sleep worth the Dreams?

I've been getting "alot" of sleep recently. Quotes since that means two or three nights a week there is very little activity with the three little "we eat your sleep for breakfast" monsters.

The new thing is that I've gotten in some naps as well.

BUT there is some thing about sleep deprivation (so says the internet - by the way great article on the ER and very true Aaron's twitter account) where because you are so seldom in deep sleep your brain takes you there as soon as it possibly can when you're asleep so you drop straight into dreams and straight out of them.

So I feel bombarded with dreams and ALL of them have something to do with forgetting a child, losing a child, or some variation on that theme.

I literally pinched myself in the middle of a dream last week to prove to my dream self that I must in fact be dreaming - and I'll have you know - that is NOT just a worthless expression. As my dream self I pinched my arm as hard as I possible could three times and it did not hurt at all thus proving to me that I was in a dream. Am I the only one who never took that expression literally before?

Anyway, my dream kept trying to fool me out of it, and its the only time it's come to mind during a dream, but I'm glad it did. I often have moments in the dreams that I doubt their reality. In this one I was on the phone with Jen P, nursing Finn and stopped at an uphill stoplight in Manhattan Beach. Realizing this was a REALLY bad idea I pulled into a driveway right away but as I parked, was so anxious to get Finn into safety (he was suddenly in his car seat) that I left the car in gear when I got out and had to chase it (this was the explorer we had the first year of our marriage). But even then, when the car was safely parked I suddenly didn't have Finn - and had some vague recollection of putting him down on a pillow. And I was so mad at myself, so frustrated, as soon as I thought it could be a dream I was determined to prove it - and since the alternative was that I'd lost Finn, I can tell you when I say I pinched myself, I mean I pinched as HARD as I could. Then, still afraid to be relieved I did it several more times.

So... at the end of the day with all the drama in my dreams, I can almost dread sleep. But... no, having no sleep is worse.

Respecting Where We Are

I think there's a difference between embracing where we're at in life or in a situation vs. respecting that this is where we're at.

I first started thinking about this when families that I photographed so obviously wanted a photo that most definitely did *not* represent where they were at that moment - i.e. if our family picture this year had shown Jack contemplating life. That would not be Jack. Jack is either a lover (this boy cuddles like no one you've ever seen) or a fighter (in good spirits or bad he tackles fun, food, and particularly cars... and trains... and wrestling... well everything).

I started to actually try to sort of... accentuate in a photo how I saw the family. So if a child wouldn't be contained for a tight shot, I have them running around free or sitting a little apart. And I'm really proud when you sort of really really see who my clients are rather than just how pretty they all are.

Then I also started chewing on this idea (mentioned on Dr. Phil though I'm quite sure he's not the originator of the thought ;) ;) ) of being careful of labeling our kids. I.e. words are powerful. And they are. Obviously. Anyway, so I started to worry about how I've been talking about my three. Abby having all this anxiety (well she DOES!!!) and Finn being so sweet (well he IS!!!) and especially Jack being so crazy (well... I'm searching for the right word for him...). He's NOT crazy - he's not frantic (when he's not in a tantrum anyway)... he's just... a wildly free spirit or something. I really have a hard time labeling him and I worry that my inability to label him sympathetically or even slightly correctly will cause him to somehow lose all this wonderfulness that is him. I mean, he will sit and play with cars for LONG periods of time - so its not like he's some sort of no attention span spaz. He sings, oh how he sings. He's a delight, he's joy... He pats the floor or the seat next to him when he wants you to sit down with just the same tone that I do for him. He frowns and pouts so well that it's cute. He LOVES to cuddle, especially when tired, and in those times he'll lean against us and go easily to sleep or just sit there for an hour, just ... sitting. 90% of his nap and sleep time he will just curl up and wait to go to sleep. Where as Abby who is my people pleasing sweetheart fought naps and sleep tooth and nail for years!!

The only parts that make me feel defeated with Jack are the parts that are... impossible. The parts that I don't think are easily solved until he can speak clearer, understand easier, grapple his spurts of emotion... and thats just not going to happen right now... because he's TWO. And the fact that I can't sort of solve everything with a smooth quiet voice makes me feel like I'm failing as a parent and failing him and... and...

And so then I started thinking you know, he's not always going to be two. I can't quite embrace everything that comes with his age right now - but I respect that he needs to go thru it - maybe we all do. He needs to go through this battle of wills and emotion and tortuous ... LIFE so that he can learn how to deal with it all in a generally socially acceptable way and know we all still love and accept him. So I can embrace that I need to respect where we're at... how's that? Close enough?

Similarly with Finn - I don't want my feelings that he is so much easier spirited to lead to him feeling he needs to play the role of a weaker spirit. Because I can already tell that that's not who he is.

And I need to explain that the reason sometimes that Abby's anxiety is so distressing for ME is that she has such a strong core - the anxiety doesn't seem to fit and I don't want it to strangle the iron will that makes me so in awe and proud of her.

Jack is just so... Jack. That's a fair enough label. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I don't have to box any of them in. I don't INTEND to box them in this way. I don't NEED to classify them. Why does it happen so constantly? Because I'm just talking to other people. Sometimes conversation just leads to talking about the kids and talking about the kids it seems I'm always searching for adjectives. Maybe that's not the way to go about it. Maybe I should tell stories.

Maybe none of this has anything to do with the kids but my anxiety about not being able to communicate what I intend?

But this is where I'm at. Knowing I can't worry like this forever, but really not worrying like this all the time anyway, so not really worried about worry. I don't want to be a perfect parent - I'm not WORRIED that I'm not perfect ... I'm just worried that the mistakes I do make will be horribly detrimental and I want to avoid as many of those mistakes that I can. Don't you see?

Oh heck. I dunno. I just don't want to be the one holding back my kids simply because I wanted to talk about them. Parenthood. Again. Not for wimps.

In Defense of Reality TV

And yes, I realize alot of people think I'm awful cuz my first post of 2010 is about tv ;).

Hoarders inspires me to go clean out any areas of clutter.
The Biggest Loser inspires me to tone rather than just lose the weight I want.
America's Next Top Model inpires my photography and gives me concrete hints to give my subjects.

So...

There.