Halloween Part One - Party #1

Creativity Rivals Sugar

** couldn't decide between the two worried Abby looks... votes? and a 'not worried' Abby look is not really an option as that is the only look she gives me. It translates into "You're not taking a picture of me, are you?"

Well, I get a very similar buzz from being happy with photos I've taken (and a good long scrapbooking run for that matter) as I do from eating my favorite desserts. Must remember this. Though... you know... my cookie ingredients are always available to me, unlike willing photo subjects or the right size paper.

New Day, Better Weather, the Promise of Brownies

Well I feel better. It is sometimes said pregnant women can be... a tad moody. I think this is said because it is... TRUE.

Still am not sure how my skin is going to continue to stretch for over another month... but glad that baby boy promises to be nice and healthily big... at least... according to my perception of the strain on my belly.

Need to make brownies for Halloween party at the school tomorrow. Someone remind me.

We went to the park again but this time it wasn't awfully muggy and as per usual other kids were there to play with. Then we ran into another friend while getting lunch so I didn't feel like Abby was so dreadfully disappointed with her day. I know, I know, every day does not have to be the best day ever, but yah know, in some ways as a stay at home mom it starts to feel like the feedback you get from your four year old is like an evaluation from your boss.

Perhaps that's where the new balance comes in Maggie was talking about when the second child joins the family.

Hmm. If Abby was my official boss I think my daily job description would look something like this:

Let me have doughnuts or ice cream for breakfast
Get me dressed in something special, rainbow, and sparkly
Don't brush my hair
Take me to Disneyland
Give me lollipops at Disneyland
Take me from Disneyland to a friend's house
Go away
Come back with treats and all the toys we saw on the commercials in between Spongebob episodes
Bring Daddy forth to wrastle with me
Supply paper and pens and help me draw treat stores
Let me run around outside without shoes on
Read five books to me, then let me read one on my own
Never ever suggest it is bedtime
Lay me down to sleep only when I am unconscious from exhaustion which won't happen for two or three days.
Find lots of special things to put next to me while I'm sleeping
Sleep next to me and hold my hand.



Simple really. Not sure why I never measure up ;).

33 week Itch

Oddly enough, with a week of sleep under my belt (which is not really a belt as I a great big baby in my belly), my good humor has deserted me. I have a good five weeks left... if not a few more. So I need a better attitude until then. Where did it go? Where can I find it?

I feel like my body is too heavy, too unwieldy to handle (I don't need reassurance, I'm still plenty happy with my 20 some pounds gained, but it's still an extra 20 pounds to carry around... some of it moving, kicking and bladder punching). My mind is heavy too... like I can't motivate it to have a better attitude. I wonder if there was just too MUCH laughing this weekend? I had a really great weekend, maybe this is just the fallout.

I also feel this 'verge' feeling. Starting... next weekend life isn't going to be slowing down... it will be a slippery slope to the arrival of a new baby... a new life... a new family...

Gotta go cuddle with the original munchkin.

P.S. our new better loan is thru ING and I might just cry if they ever sell it because they are great. SERIOUS customer service.

My Advice:

Do not pose sillily with your wife... she may like the picture of herself and post it all over the internet and frame it in your house.

Steve's Birthday Dream Come True

His daughter at a Chinese food restaurant, using chopsticks, and eating Chinese food.

Sleep! and Abby's Scolding

What is with all the sleeping?! It's great! Though what also is up with the hygiene oriented dreams? Last night I dreamed about brushing my teeth.

I was completely weak today at Party City - getting Abby a princess phone when I meant to spend about a dollar. Anyway, we buckled into the car and she said, "I wanna wait til we get home to open it" to which I always respond, "That's a great idea." Just on cue the phone started up - one of those automatic things and Abby brought it close to her face and scolded sternly "I said wait until we get home!"

Mild Anxiety Disorder and Missing Child's Producer

A mom at Abby's pre-school was the Missing Children Producer for America's Most Wanted for a few years and she has held a child's safety meeting each Halloween that she's been at the school. I missed last year's, but went today.

There were definitely scary things - but also very interesting things I hadn't thought of. Mainly the whole idea more than anything that holidays, especially Halloween, are so dangerous not only because stores are hectic, but because bad people can dress up! I hadn't really thought of it that way - where they may look out of place on a normal day, not during this holiday especially. And any holiday generally we are more encouraging of our children to go up to strangers to accept candy or follow on an Easter egg hunt or speak nicely to strangers etc.

She was very pro-Halloween, just on THAT day a parent should be a little crazier than normal because things are just out of whack. She told one story of a guy being able to grab a boy just because he was wearing a cool costume and even though there were a bunch of kids in a gated back yard, he was still able to get their guard down because of the costume and holiday. And normally those kids would have been safe in the back yard, but on THIS day, you have to be aware that kid's instincts are off.

On non-holidays she said biggest danger is shopping...

All in all, not as alarmist as you'd think. Definitely discouraging and awful, but not too anxiety producing if I don't let my mind wander.

Secret Santa

The kids do Secret Santa in Steve's fam and I've known my person for about 30 seconds and the secret is already burning to be released.

But I shall occupy myself rather with trying to figure out everyone else's... much more productive.

Colors

Abby announced at dinner that she does not like blue anymore. She likes 'rainbow'.

Now we go looking for the most rainbow shirt she has clean every morning. Sigh.

Sleep and Soap

Oddly enough, I've been sleeping the last few days. Ever since Abby interrupted my sleep pattern. And I switched sides of the bed with Steve.

I was worried about my dreams being filled with guilt about the cat, and I prayed about it. So instead... I dreamed about soap. Not in an 'out out damn spot' sort of way... but in a ... 'hey here's some soap' sort of way. I'm not complaining.

Blatant Attempt to Ignore Feelings

My eyeballs feel like the blood vessels are going to pop so I need to continue on and not think about Lynx guys.

I am frustrated that my nighttime coping mechanism - the scrapbooking is on hold waiting for more pictures to arrive in the mail tomorrow. At least it better be tomorrow.

I am definitely nearly then edge of what I can do with scrapbooking. There are several books that haven't actually been journaled in, so perhaps I can do that when push comes to shove. I have been able to sleep the last couple nights - distracted only by Abby's coughing.

We had a doctor's appointment on Monday which was good. Doc said baby hasn't dropped and he would guess I'll hold til the first week in December. Which was good news! Not unexpected, but nice to hear all the same. Doc outlined baby's butt and wiggled it, then the baby's head saying, "See, you can still wiggle his head, he hasn't dropped yet." Yeah, okay, crazy man.

Baby is already stronger than me fyi - his kicks have momentum.

Abby literally just ran into a wall. Not sure what happened... gotta go.

Goodbye Lynx

Never was there a more loving, more vocal and generally co-dependent cat. We had to say good-bye today and it felt awful. I feel good about the decision and the vet agreed but it still felt awful. I was there with her for the end thinking she'd feel some love from me, but I think it was worse. By that time she's already been stuck with the thingamabobber and so it felt like it just delayed her fear and stress.

I know for sure that I loved her. We shouldn't have had the cats, but I don't think her life was bad. The saddest part is simply that I know she loved us deeply and she loved Abby and that is what makes it awful for me.

Self Revelation #287

I am not good at judging whether or not I like a picture of myself for a good six months or so.

The Halloween with Two Costumes...

Auntie Samantha took Abby to a Halloween adventureland Saturday night at which I am told Abby had much fun giggling at skeletons, running with kids, and being completely happy...

As you can see, she is a cow - this was just for the Halloween adventure - she is still very excited to be a magic mermaid with wings.

Sleep Log

Slept again - almost like a person! I.E. went to bed just once and fell asleep. Only problem came at 4:30 when Abby had trouble sleeping - when I tried to go back to bed it was the exact same restlessness - where simply lying there is intensely frustrating for no good reason. BUT that's okay - my internet is back up, that feeling of hopelessness as if it's impossible to resist becoming nocturnal is leaving me, and for once I do not have an entire scrapbook to show for a night!

What I've done the last two night's is not watch tv or go to internet an hour before I try for bed combined with the new massaging heat pad Steve got me for my restless legs which helps the muscle twitches and I think the noise helps lose that part of my brain that is restless as well. I also didn't eat sugar for several hours before...

I did start Steve and My 10 year book... which reminds me I am obsessive with ordering prints from snapfish right now. It's driving me crazy because I'll try to be patient - wait til I'm sure I'm done with the ordering and then I'll realize this picture is missing for this book and oh I could crop that one to work for this one... Anyway I'm paying billions in shipping because I have no patience. This confession was shared for no particular reason.

Shouldn't dawn be happening soon?

Old Pictures, Old Memories, Old News

Like sands through the hourglass so are the days of my life... running through my mind during my scrap-booking revival. And I am coming to a rather disappointing self-realization.

Steve is right.

Isn't it the WIFE who is always supposed to be right? This is very annoying.

With most every page of pictures I organize, memories of stress come back to me. I can't blame parenthood because I was in the same generally agitated state pre-child as I was post - I was just worrying about different things. I can't figure out what I was so worried about pre- child but the vibes were there all right. Before we got married the stress was about our relationship, before I was in a relationship the stress was about wanting to be (or maybe I was a completely content person pre-relationship!), before I had Abby the stress was about... the future I guess, before I got pregnant the second time the stress was about Abby - social, physical, everything.

Always something wrong... which is one of my least favorite characteristics of a person. Those people who always have something wrong (don't get paranoid anyone, I'm not talking about you!). Before I became pregnant this year I feel like I was just starting to get above that tendency. But prior to that (years prior) it was lack of sleep because Abby was waking up, prior to that it was pregnancy again, prior to that it was my back acting up, prior to that it was food, prior to that...

Hmm, I just thought of a defense for myself. Most of the scrapbook pages that give me this vibe are event pages. HA! Take that! No seriously, that helps because I don't *feel* like an anxious person, but I definitely am one... but I'm also very *chill*... I just have to be in my element... or my cave. My element doesn't have to be my cave, but I'm only totally comfortable in one or the other.

For example, a social event (pre-Abby) used to be stressful because... I mean, I can hardly remember, but I think it centered around expectations of what I wanted couplehood to be like. It was all about wanting 'us' to be the way I expected married people to be.

A social event post-Abby was stressful because of timing when she was little (nursing, sleeping, babysitting) or conduct when she got older (polite, socialized, safe). But this new parental stress completely pushed the old stress out. Pre-2nd-pregnancy a social event was a breeze if Abby was taken care of.

So, starting at the most challenging time possible (adding a baby to the picture), I want to be less anxious... at events... I also want to sleep.... so.... very... much.

edited to add: How odd, Oprah was all about ... well not this, but it sort of works. And the whole idea of finding joy, choosing well, etc. And how I have definitely sabotaged myself is by watching tv etc before bed... So... trying not to do that...

edited AGAIN to add: I slept! From like 1am-7:30am - it's incredib

Abby's Happy Though

Getting Worse

The sleep situation doesn't seem to have a good ending. Laugh and point at me with derision come baby's first months when I talk about how incredibly exhausting it all is, but at the MOMENT (and I do have one experience under my belt) I'm actually looking forward to birth because I honestly think I will be getting more sleep! At least the first couple weeks when my mom is here to help because though I may be up in the middle of the night nursing, at least if I nap during the day I'll still be able to (or at least I was with Abby) nap in between nursings.

So last night I was so thrilled, I was asleep somewhere between 1am and 2am - not just in bed, but asleep. Then, horror of all horrors, I woke up at 4:30am. And it was just as if I was starting all over. AND my internet was out. SO I made muffins and scrap-booked and tried to keep the complete frustration from claiming me.

I dozed for about fifteen minutes before Abby got up at 8 and simply had to nap during pre-school. I am just not sure what to do. Everything seems to sabotage me (i.e. napping, trying to sleep earlier, not napping)

This is just getting more and more annoying - though - my scrap booking is just getting more and more complete. Check off:
Family Cruise
NY/CT
England/other Sandra adventures
Abby's "Baby Book"
the start or Jack's Baby book
current in 'everyday' book
revised and completed previous year 'everyday' books
scanned non-digital important pictures.

Next up is either:
Steve & Adrea "The First Ten Years" (granted I'll still have two years to really truly complete that one) or
Favorite Artsy

Bedtime Lament

As Abby walks up the stairs to her fate (bedtime): "Oh, Momma, I just miss miss miss... miss miss the whole world."

Beauty

*warning, parental learning curve in progress

Respecting Abby's opinions and preferences means sometimes reacting to her creative clothing choices with humor and pride rather than criticism. If she is not allowed not only to express herself, but to make choices that are not ridiculed, what motivation will she have to do all this on her own?

For school, she is definitely allowed to pick whatever she wants... though I do admit to curbing her from fancy dresses when she does not feel too strongly about it. And generally I really do enjoy Abby's clothing concoctions. And generally a lot of the outfits she chooses do match.

For some occasions, however, I feel there is a need to insert a counter-balance to this freedom. After all, she will eventually be able to look back and decide that she would have rather had some pictures with her looking 'put together' than had perfect freedom all the time. SO there are days when we are going to be taking pictures and I want her to wear something I like (I know, purely selfish stop judging me). Or there are days we are meeting people or will be in a particularly public forum that I think it's appropriate to match. Or there are weather issues.

Today we ran into all three.

Abby both wanted to wear her black polka dot pants and her blue sundress to a play. Granted, I had given the option of the sundress because I was causing trouble in the first place by wanting her to change out of what she was already wearing - but obviously going to bring a sweater as well. I had given her a choice between two dresses that I knew she liked and so knew I was opening the door for an odd outfit. I was okay with it because while it obviously didn't match - there is a charm to that ("Oh, how cute they let that little girl dress herself") and because I still had hope that I could get the polka dot pants off of her if she was happy with the dress. I was just going to bring the sweater with us, however it was misty and cold and Daddy really didn't want her going out without it.

Abby had several objections to the sweater. First and foremost she felt that the sweater inhibited her ability to achieve adequate dress twirl. There was some truth to this, however the law had been laid down and there would be no taking the sweater off. Especially since, now that she had stated her abhorrence for the sweater I knew she would be consistently unhappy (dare I say defiant) with said sweater all day long... therefore I wasn't going to cave and let her take the sweater off now with, "Okay, but you have to put it on when we get out of the car." Because it wouldn't have happened and I would have lost some leverage and any ability to resolve the situation in ANY other way but by forcing the sweater to which she at this point already felt morally opposed to.

I took her outside in the cold to discuss the weather and why we needed sleeves and to distract her. This worked quite well. There is a moment etched into my memory where - right when I led her outside she stalked to a corner, crossed her arms over her chest and pouted profusely. It was right out of a picture. Anyhoo, I didn't make a big deal of it, just played with her a little bit until she was talking again and we talked about the weather etc. I thought we'd come to terms with the sweater when I caught her trying to rip it off.

I told her she had a choice - she could change into a long sleeve dress or keep the sweater on. She chose to change. We rushed back into the house (our ride was very close to getting there) but we ran into trouble again because she didn't want to wear any of the long sleeve dresses she owned and didn't know what to wear (panic starting to show around the edges of her at this point). I told her she had to choose one or the other or she'd have to stay at home (in a matter of fact way, not in an angry way).

This started the tears. She wanted to go to the play and she wanted to go to the play with me. So here we have complicated the situation by adding pure emotion into the mix. It's not just about the clothes now, now it's about being left behind and missing out. I knew this, but I do feel that it was what she needed to understand because we were now running late and if we were late everyone else was going to be.

Zoozie arrived with a bag full of brand new clothes - none of which Abby was interested in at that moment of emotional turmoil, but it was also the spurring that we really had to go now. So, knowing that she wasn't just being difficult, but that she was now so distracted by the emotion of the possibility of being left behind she couldn't think clearly, I didn't insist she get herself under control, I just told her we needed to go. I grabbed a long sleeve dress from the new bag and told Abby we would decide in the car (a new solution that had just come to me).
This would hopefully alleviate her stress about being left behind and bring it all down to the sweater choice again. My threat was not made empty - If we got to the theatre and she still refused the sweater or the change I would have let the grandmas go into the play and waited for Abby to make an acceptable choice. Bonus of this plan was that she was not in a lose lose situation - keep the sweater on was a lose to Abby even if she got into the play and not getting to see the play was also a lose. Bringing the change of clothes gave her a way to win-win (not wear the sweater and yet still get to see the play). I also figured - (as I said) that this solution took away the worst of the desertion feelings but kept the concept that we do have to dress appropriately or we miss out AND it's much more tempting being right outside the building to make a choice that gains access to said building (rather than the more abstract 'if you don't do this you can't go' which involves a good twenty minute drive between choice and reward).

She is still crying as we walk down the stairs and to the car, but it's the sad, 'I'm not fixed' cry not the tantrum cry and she is walking on her own accord and holding my hand.

We hit one more roadblock as we get to the car and she doesn't want to get in the car seat. I am mentally preparing myself that I may actually have to have her stay back because this is just not okay behavior when she is finally able to put her feelings into words, "But, Momma, I want you to always be with me."

*pause for Momma's heart to break in two*

"I will, Baby, I'm going to sit right next to you in the car and we can talk about this, unless you want to make the choice right now, but it has to be quick..."

That said, the issue again became the sweater and only the sweater and I gave her the choice again, sweater or new dress. She picked new dress and in about twenty seconds flat I had her in the new dress (with the polka dot pants still) and up into the seat she went. There were a few moments for the snuffles to quiet but she was content and resolved, I was happy, content and resolved, and we were not late... the play was late... but we were not.



It's always this balance... respect her wants, but socialize her as well. And sometimes the lines are grayer than others but I think the pre-school has affirmed in me this idea of not needing to be a commando parent unless it's very very important. Empty threats are obviously bad, but figuring out or realizing something that will make both of us happy half way through an episode isn't empty - it teaches her that I'm listening and really trying to respect her without compromising what I'm telling her is important. I'm not caving because she is arguing or crying or otherwise manipulating me. I am simply responding to her if she is being respectful - taking into account her thoughts and opinions. Can it go too far? Absolutely. Balance. Balance and vigilance. I'm not just going to make these decisions about how free I am going to let her be and then not pay attention to how it's working until she's thirteen. I constantly re-assess, re-evaulate and change accordingly.



It's a conversation - this living your life with other people thing. It's easy to see in Abby how she grows and changes and therefore the parental response needs to grow and change to accommodate. It's less easy to see in my spouse, my friends, my family - but it's still happening... so this is a good reminder for me to stop and listen, re-evaluate - pay attention, and respond with a change if necessarily.

BUT one thing I know for sure. Keeping my mind open to flexible solutions makes for a happier everyone at the moment, during the rest of the day, and maybe even plants the idea in Abby's head that she actually has some power to take a difficult situation and make it work through communication (both listening and speaking out) rather than forever being the passive victim of some obstacle thrown in her path by parent, peer, or circumstance.

What a rant. What do you expect? I'm sleep deprived.

Pictures of my beautiful little resolver:

It's Christmastime in... my mind...

I'm ready. Let's start Christmastime.

I feel like even if we have accidentally splurged for the holidays before we've never really splurged on the right things. We've splurged more on random gifts than on making the holiday what we really want it in the first place.

Last year we did a great job not splurging so that our little mini-family Christmas was perfect. But the whole holiday season felt... like a chore. Not the time we actually had with our family obviously, but the planning and the counting of every penny. All good and needed at the time. But this year what I'd like for us is to really enjoy the whole season. I want to continue the traditions we've set up of only giving these very specifically traditional things to each other, but this time we are going to make the holiday what we want it. LOL I say this even though I will delivering a baby... Well, BUT that's why we'll start early. Perhaps not before Halloween... but that will be my plan. That way when baby does arrive the house will not just be ready with decorations but festive feeling as well!

If anyone is interested in evergreen products - like fresh wreaths and pinecones and uh branches and stuff, let me know. We have a mini- fundraiser at the school for the teacher's bonuses. However, only if you want evergreens - because this does NOT take the place of your Orange sale commitments. Don't even think about not ordering Oranges from me. Point being, I'm planning on a few LIVE things this year (not the tree) so the house will smell really nice I think.

What else? I'm just happy. We have exciting things at the end of the year and while I may not be hormonally able to be pure happiness at the time, I figure the leading up to it all will count as well. I don't have high expectations (except of course a healthy baby showing up) that can be squashed by someone else's actions or attitudes, I just plan on making this the way we want it and part of that is being more inwardly focused with what we want. For me that means no focus on the gifts, but focus instead on the things that make Steve happy - like being artsy with the tree and being allowed to buy new lights for it, things that make me happy - like being artsy with photographs, and things that make Abby happy - like everything holiday.

A note on pictures. As I've been going through ALL my pictures either because I am putting finishing touches on scrapbooks or scanning old pictures I have just become stronger in my feeling that it doesn't matter how things are going or how much of a pain it feels like at the time, let someone snap your picture - ask someone if they don't.

Steve and I have been married 8 years and we don't have Christmas photos for two of those years at all, another two that were so much afterthoughts that I'm glad to have them, but they are slightly disappointing. It's a similar story even since Abby has been around. Of her four Christmases we did a good job getting a mini-family picture once! Now, I have a certain pride in that because the day is always so hectic I don't want to actually squash Abby or Steve's spirit or fun by forcing a pose, and obviously I've been fair about that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still take a lot of photos, but the ones that seem to put the most stress on them are the ones where we're all together. And that's what I want. SO there has to be a middle ground. And that may be artsy - i.e. ask someone to take ten as we're talking about posing and then maybe, just maybe we'll get a posed one as well - but at least we'll be represented and artsy are more flattering half the time anyway.

Looking through I realize I have even less of the two of us on the actual holiday (either eve or day). Is that important to me? Probably not as MUCH...oh FINE, I'll let that one go. So my priorities (for I have to have some in order to make it least painful on the rest of my picture abused family) for our family Christmas picture will be *:
GET 1 pic of Steve and I, 1 pic of the whole mini-family
Let it be holiday season evident - i.e. dressed up and hopefully with a tree or other seasonal evidence around us.

Scanning Success

There are a few pictures that I don't have digitally that I would have really really been sad to lose and have been sad just not to have a way to easily reproduce. SO I've got most of them scanned now so I am very proud of myself.

Ahh, look how cute we are at our rehearsal dinner (I'm wearing a JG dress of course)


Then, old and embittered after a few years of marriage:

Grape Big League Chew, Cupcakes, Mini Milky Ways

All things I cannot be trusted to have in the house.

Apples, Grapes, Oranges

All fruits on the Abby approved list. I might just cry.

What Dreams May Come...

When I was pregnant with Abby the three baby dreams I remember are (classically psychological):
Giving birth to a kitten.
Aaron delivering an emergency pre-mature baby and rushing it off for treatment and forgetting to deliver the placenta so I later had to have surgery to remove it.
Having a day in which I kept forgetting about the baby - leaving it at home while shopping or what have you and rushing home in a panic.

This time... I'm not sure if I've had many... I haven't retained any except the one today at nap which wasn't terribly exciting. I dreamed the sling I bought still didn't fit even though I didn't have the pregnancy bump anymore, but optimistically enough, once the baby (which I did not see, it sort of magically appeared as a bump and weight in the sling) got settled in, he seemed to be comfortable.

Edited to add: Speaking of dreams... What a distinction for Poppa. This morning was the first morning ever that Abby was okay with having a dream (happy even). Her exact words were, "Momma! I had a dream last night. I dreamed about doughnuts. And Poppa. I had a glazed doughnut."

Creative Outlet vs. Pregnancy Brain

Well, its official. Though I may not be a better parent when I am in the midst of a creative project, I am definitely in a better mood. Which one, of course, could argue makes me a better parent but I am guessing Abby would beg to differ when she says, "You can't leave me alone. You have to keep an eye on me!" So, if I could keep the creative project to nights and school it would be ideal... but at the moment I'm stuck. And in a notably worse mood because of it.

Possibly not for long.

I have scrapbooked myself into a corner. Waiting for more paper and more pictures though still not totally sure which pictures are going to go in what album.

I have outlined myself into a challenge. Back a while ago I posted that I had an outline for the great Adrea novel (see earlier blogs on my hesitancy to admit to doing such a thing at all) and now all there was to do was to write it. Well, that outline was still a bit mucky and I've revised it. And now it's really clean... just sitting there... waiting for me to write it.

The problem is I don't want to start because I think I'm not ready to devote my brain or limited energy to it. I notice myself staring off into space a lot when I'm pregnant, either preoccupied with the current and tangible work of being pregnant - like the poking and prodding from the undoubtedly cute alien being within me or with the ephemeral wonderings or questions about when baby will arrive, what he will be like, how Abby will handle everything, how I will handle everything, taking my time whilst still having fun planning...

I'll bet I've seen this vacant yet pregnant expression on a lot of pregnant mom's faces over the years. I feel like it lasts from around the time we think we've conceived (or, if it takes a while, the time we decide to try) until the child is about... age... 2? And there is a part of me that isn't too sure I'll be able to devote myself to writing until then - not just the time constraint... the... immersion of it. Eh, we'll see.

On the other hand, this rather oddly focused meandering of the mind might serve well. I was, after all, able to see the outline clearer because I wasn't dear about it.

The scrap-booking has been a good substitute for the past month because it's really focusing on exactly what my mind insists on meandering about - kids, family, life. And it's creative... and it's tactile. Doing something with my hands seems to force my brain to pay a little more attention to the here and now... which is good. And typing doesn't count.

BUT point being, I am happier doing things with results. I am happier doing things when I've slept. I am happier when I am not worrying about people that I cannot control. I feel guilty actually not worrying about people I cannot control but... much happier... so I'll just continue on with that.

p.s. the latest carton of milk I bought tastes of metal again. And it's NOT just pregnancy. I had one dated Oct 15 that tasted like this and I went and bought one with an Oct 16 date presuming it had to be a different batch and it was fine. Now, Oct 20... back to drinking aluminum foil.

"I can't take it"

"This is tough, Momma, I can't do it." Things I've been hearing for four hours off and on from my precious. She has an ear ache. Of course she does. It is, after all, Saturday night. When else do children have horrible pain than when it is least convenient to go to a doctor?

Ironically enough we actually have a doctor's appointment Monday for her normal four year old stuff.

She just wants to sleep and can't through the pain. Almost hallucinating in her half-dream state... she reaches out for me even though I've already got her. She says she wants to play with Daddy and doesn't want to pick a puzzle. She says she wants me to lift her up and rock her but that just makes it worse. She wants me to keep my hand over her ear but then that doesn't help either. For long stretches she can't speak because she can just cry. Sometimes I can decipher something like 'we can't talk about this anymore' (i.e. leave me a lone and let me cry) or 'I want you to fix this' or 'i need the buckle two.' Of course I have no idea what the buckle two is or whether its buckle 'to' or buckle 'too'. She also wants me to go look for a doll... but not leave her side to do it.

"I don't know what to do" are both Steve and my thoughts but Abby actually says it... obviously not realizing she's already breaking our hearts with this, she doesn't need to twist the knife! Poor little sweetie.

The saddest thing is that I think what she really needs is to be left alone. If I try to figure out what's wrong in the moment she wakes up I think it just makes the wake up pain last longer whereas if I leave her to go prepare a warm compress she's already fallen asleep by the time I get back.

When she does fall asleep the peace that rushes through me reminds me of when she was a baby and those moments when finally she would surrender to sleep and all the tension just melted away from me. There's less of that now, though there is still a sense of calm about me like no other when I know she's asleep in her bed. I stare at her still little face and give her a quick eskimo kiss before trying to extract myself from the bed.

SO it's 3:30am and once again, I am awake against my will. Do I go back to my bed with hopes that Abby will rest for longer than ten minutes or do I stay here so I don't have to make the jog back?

I slept great last night. Whoo hoo.

UPDATE: Sweet little stinker is fine. Finally slept after I put a warm compress over her ear. Woke up to come cuddle and complain she still had medicine in her ear. Daddy got her an apple fritter.

Mischief

Operation TURKEY

aka Operation: Keep the Turkey in the Oven Til After Thanksgiving.
aka Help Adrea not give birth before Steve gets home.

Mark your calenders (though never fear, I'll bring it up again) Steve will be gone November 16-26. This so goes against everything I believe about alerting friendly neighborhood opportunistic murderers *sigh*. This is your opportunity to help with Operation Turkey. My parents will have her the 16/17 and then my mom will hopefully be here Nov 22-25 so there really isn't too much, is there? Abby is in school 9am-12pm M-F so that is great... though not sure if we have that whole week off for Thanksgiving?

I won't need help with housework - believe me, I am fully capable of ignoring housework for a week. What I anticipate needing help with is keeping Abby happy, [emotionally] healthy, and occupied (forget wise, she's already wise). I certainly could insist she and I keep a low profile together, but honestly I think that will stress her out. I could probably do all the things I normally do with no effect on the timing of the birth at all, but that might stress me out.

So, this is the time, if you can swing it, to schedule that time with Abby you might have time for... I was going to say 'trip to the ice cream parlor' but I don't want her losing teeth and destroying her system just to keep her occupied... 'trip to sorbet' maybe. She is quite the trooper - in for a long or short haul... she's not too picky as long as you're a person that is not mommy you basically fit the bill. I don't need as much help at night because she goes to bed at 7 but, of course, something between the hours of 5-7 now and then would not be rejected.

But, seriously, here is the deal:

• I probably do not need this - I am just wanting to make this as fun as possible for Abby
• I really do not have an issue or resentment with Steve going on this job - I'm completely happy about it.
• I am my mother's daughter and I build things up and worry and fret... but I do it beforehand so that I can be calm and strong and happy when it actually comes to pass - i.e. I've already thought of all the things that could possibly be problems from Abby's just general social needs to the worst case scenario which in itself isn't even that bad. So, seriously, when its time to actually wave Steve out the door, I really will be fine.
• I really will ask for people to help me with Abby for her sake and for my emotional sake, but if it came down to it and no one was around we would do great as our little self-sufficient unit - I just know we don't HAVE to, so I thought this would be a cute way to get those of you that can help thinking about it.
  
• I do not expect there to be any problem keeping the baby in the belly until after Thanksgiving (that would be over three weeks early according to our original due date) and still pretty darn early for even the revised due date.
  
• If I am that early I will be more concerned with baby having cooked long enough than with whether or not Steve is right there.
  
• I do happen to like my mom quite a bit and if it had to happen without Steve, I'm very satisfied with her as stand-in (even though she will undoubtedly tell me that whatever pain I am prepared for, it is exponentially worse the second time around and it will hurt twice as bad tomorrow...)
  
• I really don't believe baby would care much the first day whether dad is there; He really just wants to eat and Daddy can't help there (no offense dads, really I would RATHER he be there, but I think the subsequent 20 years or so after birth are a good balancer!).
  
• Besides we can always photoshop Steve in later until baby is psychologically able to accept that his dad was on a plane rather than in the room.
• None of this matters cuz baby will surely happily stay in belly until we hit December. Right baby? Good baby.
  

Thank you everyone.

Signing off,
Cmmder Turkey Baster

"Play Camera" and other Abby stories

Luckily, even though I've completely ruined my chances of getting Abby to pose for pictures by flooding her with picture posing requests, we do have a new game that tends to lend itself to some artsy photos... Basically she says "Let's play camera" which involves her running around me dodging the camera. You have to
admit they do show personality.















Abby has been complaining about one dream that makes her "very nervous" recently. It's that of a kissing frog who goes around kissing everyone. This dream first showed up after she had fallen asleep in the car. The kissing frog doesn't kiss her but it kisses everyone else. Luckily this frog doesn't live on Earth so Abby is generally safe. However, we were in the car again and "Can't Help Falling in Love" came on and she said "This
is the one - this is the kissing frog song that made me that dream!" Not exactly sure how she worked that out but... alllllll right.


Sometimes she is preoccupied with theological questions. For example why God didn't heal her cut knee over night and what if the horses eat Jesus as he lay in the manger?




She's got some great adjectives like terrific and "flabluous". They make me smile.



She asks for favors, "Momma, will you do something for me? Will you count to a hundred.... thousand thousand?"


Whispering is something that makes my day. She uses whispering in two ways. One to ask me something she should know like "Um, uh, what is she called again?" when talking to someone or when it is just us reading books, "Um, can you tell me that letter?" she'll whisper conspiratorially. (My favorite is when she giggles and whispers, "Oops, sorry, I said the wrong thing.") The second way is when she would like to tell me something or ask me something but I am on the phone and she knows she is not supposed to interrupt or ask directly. So she'll whisper as close to my ear as humanly possibly and not terribly quietly, "Excuse me, I need you to make me a snack! Excuse me!"


Abby has become concerned with the future, asking "Will you always take care of me?" and "Will I stay with you until I'm really old?" Tonight I suggested she may want to live somewhere else when she gets married, and I asked her if she thought she'd get married and she said, "Someday - when I'm old. When I'm five." I haven't told Steve yet.


She has also become aware of germs (probably thanks to the Mall - see my dad's blog) and today declared that there was a fly in the bathroom but that she had killed it. Here she threw out her hand in superhero style and said she'd given it germs.


Ahh, and then there is the Halloween Costume disaster. Last year I was really worried about getting a costume early because I figured she would certainly change her mind as to what she wanted to be ten or twenty times before Halloween, but noooo, from the moment she saw the 'Scary Blue Octapus", that is what she wanted to be. This year, it was a cow. She decided with the same precision that she often decides thing. The sort of precision I have come to trust. Enter peer pressure! While talking to a friend about Halloween somehow Abby decided she would need to be a mermaid... a magical mermaid with wings... instead of a cow. Her baby brother could be a cow, she insisted. In possibly the funniest moment of the week I had put her to bed at 7:15 and around 8 there is a frantic call from her over the intercom. I send Steve up. She declares to him she has to be a mermaid, not a cow. Do you think her little mind had been working that thru the entire time and she finally just felt the need to get confirmation? Gramma, being the strict disciplinarian that she, is now going to make the mermaid costume since I've said we've already spent too much money on the cow to switch.


Daddy picked her up from school today so I could nap and while she waited at the office for me she drew a picture of me in which I was calling, "Daddy, Abby, come back! Come back!"

Oh how she loves her teachers. She very specially picked out a princess writing pad (one that she was given for her birthday) to give to her male Sunday School teacher and when he asked why he was so honored she told him because 'you are such a wonderful teacher!"


More as I think of them...

A Whopper of Mood

Whelp, I've decided that there are times when it is okay for me to embrace the idea of comforting myself with food... Like when I've had a really really sucky week. Of course the fact that it hasn't even been that sucky (everyone is good and healthy and safe and in fact! I've had a lot of great things happen this week) just makes the mood worse because it's so ridiculous to be in a mood and I shouldn't be in a mood.

If that made sense.

So I made a dessert. To counter this little setback I have two bags of pre-cut apples left over from snack for the kids today that I will be munching on all week. I like apples. Pre-cut apples.

My Blog - temporarily Spoiler free...

JUST in case I have nothing to say for a while and certain people who are currently reading Harry Potter get incredibly bored and want to go backwards for pictures of their niece, I have put back into draft form the spoilers for book 7 back in July (which is when everyone I knew read it).

The Good and the... wait, WHAT?

Went to the doctor today and seems baby has been coyly finding other ways to cause trouble now that his heartbeat is too loud to be missed by nurses. I say coyly because on the surface he really seems to be with the program - he has turned (or at least I think he has - I asked Doc as he was heading toward the door and Doc said something like 'Oh yeah, there's more room down there, once they are down there they tend to stay down there' to which I did not reply what was in my mind which was 'yes, thanks, I wouldn't have asked if he'd been turned last time or even two weeks ago during the 4D appointment' but hey I really like Doc so whatev...).

So Doc is talking and measuring ultrasound happily and asks what my due date is again? the 14th I say as Doc calculates a November 21st based on measurements. I squeak NOVEMBER? He laughs - he's made a little error he says and I laugh because I apparently gained a month and ha ha ha ha.

He corrects his measurement error and says, yup, December 5... yeah, December 5 - 12.

Right. Great. Uh huh.

Steve gets back from Italy November 25 we think.

*Slightly hysterical laughing*

Cute kid... cute.